1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize