yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
