you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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