Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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