How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
