I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
