theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
