i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Ladies don't puke and tell
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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