i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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