I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
