im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
