I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
