Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
