the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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