Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
