if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
