I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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