Don't you send me to vm
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
