Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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