I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
