I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
