Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
