she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Two words: blizzard sex
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
