when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
