she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
