one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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