everyone is single if you try hard enough
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Randomize
