You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
