i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
