then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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