remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
