My first STD was from a foam party
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
