dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
