we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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