I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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