He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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