The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
