All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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