I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You are the jesus of drinking
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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