"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
