May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
