I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
