There was a lot of him and a little penis
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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