The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
