smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
