make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm too high and old for this...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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