worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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