I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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