Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
