I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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