um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
