M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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