R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
