i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
