i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just gift wrapped bread.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
