you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
