Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
