Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
